Avatar: The Last Special Agent
by ZukoandDaleForever
Summary: Rule 34 was broken. This doesn't quite fix it, but we're still hoping Rule 35 comes through for us.
1. Chapter 1

Zuko stood at the bow of his ship, scanning the horizon, the need to regain his honor as plain on his face as the pony tail on his head.

"Zuko, come sit, I have just made a fresh pot of ginseng tea," Iroh called.

"I can't," said Zuko. "I vowed I would never rest until I captured the Avatar. It is my density."

Iroh shook his head and returned to his pai sho game. Two weeks had already passed since Zuko's encounter with Aang at the South Pole and the airbender had proved a skilled adversary. Though his sky-bison no doubt needed to rest at some point, the fire nation ship could only move so quickly and Iroh sometimes wondered if they would ever catch up to the Avatar before his existence became known to the rest of the world—and to Fire Lord Ozai.

Iroh finished his tea and left to get ready for bed. Zuko still stood at the helm of the ship, scanning the sky for any sign of movement as the sun slipped below the horizon.


	2. Chapter 2

"This is unacceptable!" Zuko shouted. "We stopped to restock the ship less than a month ago!"

"And you fought an Agni Kai against one of your father's generals. As you may remember we left in a bit of a hurry, Prince Zuko," Iroh explained.

Zuko stormed off to the other side of the deck and Iroh sipped his tea. Zuko might not be willing to accept it, but their search for the Avatar was going nowhere and they had no reason to avoid pulling into port and restocking the ship. It would do the crew good to walk around and have a few moments peace without being told that their ability to perform their work directly translated to how quickly their prince could regain his honour.

Zuko was in no mood to walk through a market and haggle prices—most of his trading consisted of burning down what he didn't want and taking what was left over—which left the duties of restocking the ship to Iroh. Iroh shook his head. Somehow he had a feeling that this relaxing day was already becoming more stressful than usual.


	3. Chapter 3

As Iroh walked through the market he noticed a tall man dressed in strange clothes speaking to the merchant at a tea stand. As Iroh approached the stand the man turned to walk away and paused for a split second, his eyes locking on Iroh's.

"A word of advice," he said, "Don't ever drink ginseng tea that has been anywhere near a fish."

The tea merchant threw his arms up in the air. "How many times do I have to tell you—I don't know how a fish got into the tea pot!"

The stranger shook his head in disgust and Iroh decided he'd have to wait until he returned to his ship for a cup of tea. He smiled at the stranger and bowed slightly.

"My name is Iroh. My ship will be docked here for the day, would you care to join me for some proper tea?"

"I'd love too," the stranger replied. "I'm special agent Dale Cooper by the way."


	4. Chapter 4

"Damn good ginseng tea!" Dale paused with his tea cup in midair and leaned forward. "Iroh, do you ever get the feeling that this universe is lacking an essential caffeinated beverage?"

Iroh smiled and gave a vague gesture somewhere between yes and no. They had made it through the rest of the market and back to the ship for tea but his new companion was proving extremely eccentric.

Suddenly the door to Iroh's room flew open and Zuko marched in.

"Why is the ship still docked? It's past midday! How do you expect us to track down the Avatar if we aren't MOVING?"

If the entrance of a disfigured and beponytailed teenager surprised Dale he hid it well.

"You two are looking for someone?" he asked.

Zuko turned to look at the stranger in the room and then back at his uncle.

"This is my ship! You had no right to invite anyone else on board!"

"Special Agent Dale Cooper," said Dale. "I think I could be of use to you."

"GET OFF MY SHIP!" shouted Zuko, fire flaring from his palms.

"Now now," said Dale, standing to his feet. "You can always shoot later. Talk first."

"Listen to the man Prince Zuko," Iroh cautioned.

Zuko ground his teeth. "WELL? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Dale took one last sip of his tea and set it down before turning to properly face Zuko.

"Following a dream I had three years ago, I have become deeply moved by the plight of the Southern Water tribe people, and have been filled with a desire to help them."

"You think _that's _going to convince me? My nation is at war with the southern water tribe!"

A burst of flames shot within inches of Dale's face.

"Prince Zuko!" said Iroh. "Let the man finish. He is my guest here."

Dale straightened his jacket and continued, "I also awoke from the same dream realizing that I had subconsciously gained knowledge of a new form of bending, involving mind-body coordination operating hand-in-hand with the deepest level of intuition."

"Oh really? Let's see a demonstration of this new _bending_ form then!" said Zuko.

Dale smiled. "You said you were looking for someone, correct? Give me a week on your vessel and I promise I can lead you to him."

Zuko laughed. "I'm not looking for just _someone_. My adversary is more cunning and stealthy than any person you've ever met. I have one of the fastest war ships the Fire Nation has ever built and I can't keep up with him. What makes you think _you_ can?"

Dale smiled. "Because I won't take you to where this guy's been. I'll take you to where he is."

"Nephew," Iroh interrupted, "Maybe we should give this man a chance. It's not like you have many other options."

Zuko looked at his uncle, then turned to look at Dale again. "You have one week."

Dale grinned. "I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange."


	5. Chapter 5

"For this to work you're going to have to tell me everything you know about the person you're trying to find."

Dale held a stylus above a scroll, ready to write. Iroh and Zuko sat in front of him, the former curious and the latter half tempted to kill their most recent crew member.

"This is a waste of my time," said Zuko.

"Calm down, nephew," said Iroh.

"Don't tell me what to do uncle! It's not your honor that relies on finding the Avatar!"

"You know I had a dream last night," said Dale.

Zuko paused and raised an eyebrow.

"In it I saw the Avatar. He whispered to me the name of his destination…"

"AND? What did he say?"

"I can't remember."

Zuko kicked over a table and punched the door out his way, slamming it closed behind him.

"I apologize for my nephew. His life has not been easy, especially these past three years."

Dale nodded. "Zuko's path is a strange and difficult one."

They paused for a moment to reflect on that statement before Dale turned back to the parchment.

"Alright, we have the Avatar, the two water tribe siblings—a boy and girl—who are traveling with him and the magical offspring of a bison and a manatee. Now, I'm going to need a detailed map of your world with current names of every city in the world."

Iroh shook his head and went to make another cup of tea. He was starting to wonder if it had been a good idea to allow this man on their ship.


	6. Chapter 6

Every person in the crew was on deck to watch the new "special agent" as Dale called himself preform the first act in his efforts to track down the Avatar. At the far end of the deck was a tea pot. Dale faced it, a determined look on his face. Beside him stood Iroh holding a scroll with the names of every city and island in the Earth Kingdom.

"How do you even know he's in the Earth Kingdom?" asked Zuko.

Dale held up a finger to silence him. "The next few minutes require absolute focus and concentration. I require everyone on this ship, including yourself Prince Zuko, remain silent until the end of this exercise."

Zuko fumed silently.

"Now, captain, if you would be so kind as to hold out that bucket of rocks."

The captain stepped forward eagerly and Zuko resisted the urge to say something caustic.

"Now Iroh, I would like you to read out the names on your list one at a time. Zuko, please take note of what happens when I throw these stones.

Zuko's palms twitched with the thought of sending a fireball at his resident Avatar tracker.

Dale closed his eyes and breathed deeply, gesturing for Iroh to begin.

"Omashu."

Dale opened his eyes and threw the first rock. It missed the teapot and landed on the ground a few meters behind it.

"Kyoshi Island."

The rock glanced off the teapot but didn't break it.

Dale turned towards Zuko. "Take note of that."

"Gaoling."

The rock missed again.

"Ember Island."

Dale wound back and threw the next rock. It hit the teapot dead center, smashing it to pieces.

"Ember Isand? That's not even in the Earth Kingdom!" said Zuko.

Dale glared at Zuko. "Remember what I said about concentration and focus? We're done here for today. Captain, set a course for Ember Island."

"Nothing indicates that the Avatar will be there! That whole thing with the rock was a fluke!"

Iroh took a step towards the two of them. "I appreciate your willingness to help us with our search but I am inclined to agree with my nephew. How do you know that the teapot breaking was not a coincidence?"

"Fellas, coincidence and fate figure largely into our lives."

Dale walked off to his room leaving Zuko and Iroh standing on the deck with the rest of the crew.

"Well?" asked Zuko. "You heard him! Plot a course for Ember Island!"


	7. Chapter 7

Zuko sat in his room, meditating in front of a row of candles. A knock sounded at the door and he considered ignoring it.

"Enter."

Iroh sat down on the floor to Zuko's right and looked at the candles for a moment, not speaking.

"You know Zuko, you don't have to go to Ember Island. If we're caught there we'll be handed over to Azula."

"As opposed to staying here in the Earth Kingdom where we'll only be killed?"

"Exactly. Are you sure this is a risk worth taking? After all, this man is a stranger to us."

"_Everything_ is worth the risk when it comes to restoring my honour!"

The flames of the candles flared, brightening the room.

"I did not mean—"

"Leave me!" Zuko commanded.

Iroh sighed and stood to his feet. "I'm leaving the tea. Drink it before it gets cold."

Zuko ignored the tea.


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey Zuko! Why don't you come over and join me and your uncle for the next round of pai sho? It's a fascinating game and there's nothing like a great cup of hot black tea to hit the spot."

Zuko ignored Dale's grating voice and maintained his look out from the bow of the ship. Five days had gone by since Iroh first invited Dale on board the ship and every moment strengthened his resolve to murder the man at soon as his seven days to find the Avatar expired. They were nearing Ember Island now and well into Fire Nation territory. At this point any ship—any living thing—would be considered hostile.

"Mhm! I don't know what your secret is Iroh but this is damn fine tea!"

"Would you shut up about the tea already? My honour is at stake here. Am I the only one who understands how important this is?"

Dale picked up his tea cup and walked over to Zuko, putting his other arm on his shoulder.

"Zuko, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it, don't wait for it, just let it happen. It could be a new hair tie for your ponytail at the market, a catnap in your meeting room, or two cups of good hot black tea. Like this."

Dale held out the tea cup to Zuko who was now shaking with the effort to control his anger. In one quick motion he hit Dale's arm off his shoulder and knocked the cup of tea overboard and into the ocean.

"Now you listen and you listen close," said Zuko. "If you _ever _try to tell me that I need to take a break then you just remember something. No one, and I mean _no one_ is going to get in the way of me and my honour. You know what happened the last time someone decided I needed to learn something new? I was taught a permanent lesson ON MY FACE. The next time you try to speak to me about the way I live my life I won't wait until the punch line to throw you off this ship."


	9. Chapter 9

The sun hadn't come up yet when they made it to Ember Island. Zuko went to wake Dale and was surprised to find the special agent already awake.

"Morning Prince Zuko," said Dale.

Zuko nodded, determined to keep his temper in check. Today he had to focus all his energy on finding the Avatar.

"Do you know exactly where on the island I'll find the Avatar?" Zuko asked, his voice filled with cynicism.

Dale paused to consider the question. "I believe you should start with the beach."

Zuko didn't bother trying to understand why and knew better than to ask. He closed his eyes and took slow, deep breaths to calm himself and mentally prepare for the fight ahead of him. Today was the day he would regain his honour. He looked over at Dale who was already making a cup of tea and scowled.

"For your sake, I hope the Avatar is on Ember Island today," he muttered.


	10. Chapter 10

Everyone on the island was still asleep. Zuko took a band of his best soldiers with him as well as Dale. Iroh followed voluntarily. The captain, at his insistence, took the ship around to the far side of the island where no one would see it. If the Avatar did visit Ember Island, they would catch him completely off guard. Zuko hid his soldiers around the perimeter of the beach and settled down himself near the middle, preparing to wait all day if necessary. He kept Dale far enough away to discourage conversation but still well within the range of a well-aimed fireball. No noise disturbed them except for the sound of the tide slowly moving out…

"CABBAGES! CABBAGE FOR SALE!"

Zuko jumped at the voice that cut through the silence. It had come from his left and a little in front. He looked at Dale but the special agent shook his head, it wasn't any of Zuko's crew making the noise.

"CABBAGES!"

Zuko peeked out from behind a bush and saw a strange man dressed in green Earth Kingdom clothes standing behind a small booth, his face towards the water.

"What is that man doing?" demanded Zuko in a loud whisper.

Dale crept over to where he was hiding. "Don't worry Zuko," he said. "It means I led you to the right place."

"And what on earth makes you think that? No one is going to come within 10 miles of this racket! This is the last place the Avatar is going to make an appearance!"

The low bellow of a sky-bison reached Zuko's ears and he instantly looked to the sky. The cabbage man heard it too and as the shadow of the enormous beast passed over them the man shrieked and began grabbing the cabbages in his stand, attempting to run away with them. He looked to the sky, terror in his eyes and just before it was too late, dropped his cabbages and leapt out of the way as the giant behemoth landed squarely on top of his cabbage stand.

"NO! NOT AGAIN! What is WRONG with you?!" he screamed.

The sky-bison glanced at the man with one eye and bared his teeth for a low growl. The cabbage man shrieked and ran off into the bushes. Zuko looked at the saddle on the sky-bison, tensing up and waiting for the moment to spring.

Aang jumped down first, airbending to slow his descent. The water tribe siblings came next, the girl landing hard on her feet and the boy landing flat on his face.

"You know Aang, you could teach your bison how to let people off properly. Not everyone is a 100 year old airbender!"

"Geez, tell the whole world Sokka! You'd think we could travel with a bit of secrecy from time to time," his sister cautioned.

"Katara, we're travelling with a 100 ton magical flying bison and a kid with an arrow on his head. It's not exactly conducive to secrecy!"

At that moment Zuko jumped out from behind his bush and attacked. His first fire ball knocked down the two water tribe kids which instantly drew Aang's attention. Mistake. In the next moment Zuko had gotten behind Aang and held a sword to his throat. His soldiers quickly jumped forward to grab the two water tribe children before they could attempt to fight him off. Only a few seconds had passed since the skybison had landed and already the entire battle was over.

"Let go of me this instant!" Katara shouted.

Zuko laughed. "Oh well, since you asked… NO."

Katara kicked at the soldier holding her but they held their grip.

"If I even think that you're going to water bend I'll slice this kid's head off right here."

Katara stopped struggling and Zuko smiled. "Perfect. Now, Avatar, tell your pet sky-bison that if it tries to attack any of us I'll have five of my men shooting fireballs at its skull. Lieutenant, tie them up and call in a chi blocker. We're going back to the Fire Nation Capital. I have regained my honour."


	11. Epilogue

Haha, yeah right. Any epilogue which might have been featured here would have contained the deaths of all the characters in this story save Zuko, Iroh and Zuko's honour. And maybe the cabbage guy.

Moral of the story: Avatar would have only had one season if Zuko had bothered to follow the cabbage guy instead of trying to follow Aang directly.


End file.
